The First and the Last

I'm dying. Cancer diagnosis at 52. I've had a good life, but I'm not ready. The fear keeps me awake.

John encounters the risen Christ and is terrified. But Christ says: 'Don't be afraid. I am the First and the Last. I am the Living One.'

I find myself reading that line over and over. The One addressing me is not a recently risen figure. This is the One who was there before anything began, who will exist after everything ends. From that perspective, my 52 years are both infinitesimally small and infinitely precious.

I'm not becoming less afraid, but the fear is becoming less totalizing. In the presence of the One who encompasses all time, my death is one moment in an infinite story. Not nothing. But not the end either.

I'm telling my kids that. I won't be around to see them graduate, marry, have kids. But I will be held by the One who was here before I was born. That's strangely comforting.