Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for me will find it. This is the central paradox of Christian life, and I'm not sure I've ever really understood it.
I spent years trying to optimize my life—get the right job, the right partner, the right achievements. And the more I succeeded at self-preservation, the more empty I felt. Then I got sick. Not life-threatening, but enough to take away the things I'd built my identity around. And in that diminishment, I started noticing things. Neighbors. My actual relationships. What I actually cared about versus what I thought I should care about. Jesus is saying this paradox is built into reality: holding your life tight doesn't secure it. It just prevents you from living. Releasing your grip—on outcomes, on image, on the life you planned—is what opens you to the life that's actually possible. I'm still learning this. It's not one moment of surrender. It's learning it over and over.
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